A young boy walks alongside his father down a narrow path. He is dressed almost exactly like him and has spent the beginning years of his life learning where to step and where not to step. One day, the boy notices flowers growing right beyond the edge of the path. Curious, he steps off for a moment to take a closer look. His father quickly calls him back and reminds him to stay on the path.
Time passes, and the boy learns that staying on the path is what earns him approval. It feels good for him to get approval, so he seeks it. When he explores too far, asks too many questions, or wanders off course, it is often met with disapproval, so he learns to stay where he is expected to be, on the narrow path.
As he grows older, he begins to notice that he loves the things outside of the path. He loves exploring, creating, wondering, and discovering. Yet the message is the same: stay on the path.
Soon, the boy is preparing to graduate from high school and thinking about what comes next. Naturally, he starts imagining a life full of adventure, creativity, and experiences that feel meaningful to him. At the same time, he knows the people around him have a different vision. They want him to stay on the path, choose something “safe” or predictable, or what they would consider a practical path. It’s the same message from when he was young: stay on the path or risk disapproval.
For the first time in his life, the boy finds himself standing at a crossroads and wondering what choice to make. He loves his family and values their opinions. He wants to make them proud. But he also begins to wonder what it would look like to build a life that embodies what matters most to him.
Many of us know what it feels like to stand at a similar crossroad. We move through life doing what we feel like we should do or what others expect us to do. Society’s expectations, family’s expectations, friends’ expectations, but do we ask ourselves consistently what our own expectations for ourselves are?
We show up for others, we work hard, we are productive, we achieve our goals, and we try to keep everything together. Even still, somehow we begin to feel drained, emotionally exhausted, anxious, disconnected, or overwhelmed without being able to understand why or what we are doing “wrong.”
Stress, burnout, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion grow when someone loses connection with their values, or the things that matter most to them. We become hyper-aware and focused on pleasing others, meeting expectations, avoiding disappointment, or simply surviving the hectic day-to-day lives that we stop checking in with ourselves altogether.
This is where values and knowing what we value most become incredibly important. Our values typically reflect the deeper pieces of who we are. Values can include things like connection, honesty, growth, balance, family, authenticity, rest, compassion, creativity, or faith. Values are not goals that we complete, but they act as a tool that helps guide us in the way we want to move through life.
When our daily choices consistently move us away from the things we value, it can deeply impact our mental health. Someone who greatly values connection might begin to feel lonely or emotionally drained when work consumes the majority of their time. Someone who values authenticity might experience more anxiety when they constantly feel pressure to conform to meet the expectations of others. Over time, when we are living out of alignment with our values, it can leave us feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure of who we are.
While reconnecting with our values may sound simple, it can be difficult when we are overwhelmed, anxious, burned out, or operating in our survival mode. Often, healing begins by slowing down long enough to reflect honestly on what feels meaningful and important to us in this season of our lives.
In order to reconnect with our values, we can start by slowing down and noticing how we are feeling. When we notice feelings like exhaustion, resentment, overwhelm, or numbness, this can be a clue that we may not be living in alignment with what matters most to us. These feelings can often be uncomfortable in the moment, but it is often our body and brain working together to give us a clue that something in our life may need more attention, care, or a change.
Reconnecting with our values doesn’t require us to completely change our lives in a short amount of time. We can begin connecting with our values through small steps like becoming aware and making mindful and deliberate choices. You could set a boundary, engage in activities that bring you joy, or reconnect with supportive relationships.
What questions can you ask yourself to ensure that you are able to reconnect with the things you value:
1. What matters to me in this season of life?
2. When do I feel the most like myself?
3. What currently feels emotionally draining?
4. Are my current priorities reflecting what I want?
5. What is one small step I can take toward living in alignment with my values?
Imagine the boy choosing the path that aligns with what matters most to him. Not because he stops loving his family or valuing their opinions, but because he realizes that their expectations cannot live his life for him. The path is not always easy. There are moments of uncertainty and moments when he wonders if he made the right choice. But as time passes, he begins to feel more connected to himself. He notices that he is no longer spending all of his energy trying to become who everyone else wants him to be.
Even though the boy chooses what he wants for himself, it doesn’t mean that he stops loving those around him or stops valuing their input. It means that the boy starts paying attention to what matters to him. It means that he isn’t seeking approval, but strengthening his relationships by living the life that brings him joy, so that he can pour from a full cup. He realizes that approval is a short-lived joy and that living by his own values sparks long-term joy.
In many ways, reconnecting with our values asks us to do the same. When life becomes overwhelming, it can be easy to focus only on immediate stress, pressure, or survival. Reconnecting with our values can help us zoom out and reconnect with the bigger picture of who we are, what matters to us, and how we want to move through the world. Sometimes, our healing does not begin by becoming someone new, but by reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that have been there all along.
