Like death and taxes, there will be conflict. While it is not inherently a bad thing, and can often be a point from which we can grow, re-establish boundaries, or strengthen relationships, it is also something that many of us feel lost about how to do effectively, Often, conflict resolution is a skill that some of us were never taught, and for others, we only saw or learned how to address conflict with explosion, shut down, or both.
As an inevitability, one that is likely to appear in our closest and most important relationships, how do we then manage this in a way that respects those relationships we hold most dear, our loved ones, and ourselves?
While effectively managing conflicts includes what we do in a moment of conflict, this also includes the behaviors that occur before we are in the heat of our anger, sadness, or disappointment.
· Practice a soft start-up
When approaching a conversation in which you or the other party may have strong or challenging emotions, research suggests that a gentle tone that avoids blame can diminish defensiveness and communicate that the other party is not the problem: the problem is the problem. Use “I” language that takes ownership of feelings while presenting the problem objectively.
“I feel like I have more on my plate than I can handle right now, and I need a little support,” vs. “You never help me with anything.”
This avoids statements that leave another person feeling attacked while also expressing your own feelings with honesty rather than pushing them down, only to reappear with more intensity at a later time.
Describe what you feel or see with clarity without offering judgments or statements about the other’s character or perceived personality trait.
“I sometimes feel alone when things in the house get stressful” vs. “You only care about yourself.” (Gottman, n.d.-a).
· Practice self-regulation
Once conflict has started, we may notice that conflict itself becomes a fuel for our fire. Maybe your face gets hot, your heart starts to race, or your muscles become tense. Maybe you’re suddenly filled with contempt, say something you don’t mean, or begin to shout. This is physiological arousal, or “flooding”, and is the result of the fight or flight process of the body, a signal that you have left a state of emotional safety. For many people, this is a common experience in conflict. While common, it can also challenge our ability to communicate our needs and meet our loved ones where they’re at.
Begin by noticing your personal cues that you are entering a state of feeling flooded. What happens in your body? Note these cues and consider them when they arise. Once these feelings begin in conflict, practice taking time-outs. This can be achieved by agreeing on a word (before the conflict starts) that can be used to communicate to the other person that you need a moment before you can continue. During this time out, engage in self-soothing skills. Maybe this is deep breathing, reading, taking a walk, shaking out your arms and legs, or taking a moment to sit quietly and simply notice your surroundings. Check in with your body and mind throughout, consider how you feel, and proceed forward with the conversation or repeat the grounding tools most useful to you. Importantly, while breaks are useful, they should not be indefinite. A part of the safety in taking these breaks is knowing that there will be safety in returning from them. The Gottman Institute, which provides significant, longitudinal data on relationships and conflict, suggests that breaks not last more than 24 hours (Gottman, n.d.-b).
· Practice active communication and paraphrasing.
Miscommunications happen all the time and have the tendency to further exacerbate our moments of conflict. We misunderstand each other, struggle to communicate our feelings clearly, and misread or feel misread by our loved ones. This is where active communication and paraphrasing come in. Active communication includes both how we talk and how we listen. As mentioned above, utilizing “I” statements helps us present our feelings and concerns with clarity, owning our experiences without casting blame onto others. Along with this, it may be useful to avoid words like “always” and “never”, which are called absolutes. By avoiding absolutes, we are suggesting to our loved ones that we realize the problem is not a permanent state of being in the same way we too are not “always” selfish or “never” engaged. It also allows us to avoid getting hung up on the specifics, instead staying focused on the topic at hand. Listening, on the other hand, means focusing on these words, not interrupting, and internally reflecting on the message we are receiving. Sometimes, it is also valuable to ensure we are receiving the same message they intend to send, which can be done by paraphrasing statements. “I think I’m hearing from you that…”.
· Practice repair.
As described by the Gottman Institute, “repair is less about fixing what is broken and more about getting back on track.” (Gottman, n.d.-c). Repair is useful both “early and often,” and it can take many shapes (Gottman, n.d.-c). Put simply, repair is how we add positivity into moments of conflict. This does not mean that we ignore the problem. Rather, we acknowledge the problem without spiraling into negativity. This may come in the form of apologizing for the expression that one’s anger took, offering acceptance of one’s point of view, even if you do not agree with it all, or acknowledging a positive feeling, attribute, or belief about the other person or the nature of the relationship. Perhaps consider how you laugh together, offer humor (if appropriate), whatever makes sense for the nature of your relationship.
Conflict is hard, and sometimes, it reminds us of the more complicated, sensitive, needy, or ignored parts of ourselves. It doesn’t always (maybe often?) have clear or neat solutions, and we fear the conversations that keep us repeating cycles of hurt and anger. While there may be no clear solution, and we’ll likely have new disagreements to contend with in the future, the way in which we engage with this conflict, the how of the fight rather than the why, offers us a means of control and intervention to change the nature of how conflict appears in our lives.
Sources:
Gottman Institute. (n.d.-a). How to fight smarter: soften your start-up. https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
Gottman Institute. (n.d.-b). Does flooding play a role in your perpetual conflict? https://www.gottman.com/blog/does-flooding-play-a-role-in-your-perpetual-conflict/#:~:text=According%20to%20Gottman%2C%20flooding%2C%20or%20diffuse%20physiological,*%20You%20use%20contempt%20towards%20your%20partner
Gottman Institute. (n.d.-c). R is for Repair. https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/
