Research tells us that, from the moment we are cognitively able to separate ourselves from others, which occurs approximately in toddlerhood, we become psychologically able to experience shame (Parisette-Sparks et. al., 2017). While there is some debate about the nature of these “self-conscious” emotions, which include feelings such as embarrassment, guilt, and shame, one point seems to remain clear: guilt is focused on our relationship to others while shame attacks the self.
Guilt is often acknowledged as a reparative feeling, one that triggers a necessary desire to make amends with others, hold ourselves accountable, and seek not to repeat the same mistakes. Guilt, in many ways, makes us human and underlines the sociability that defines aspects of our species. We are what we are because we’ve learned to live in harmony with each other (well… some of the time).
What function then does shame, guilt’s oftentimes a stomach-churning, face-reddening cousin, do for us? While some research suggests it too is an adaptive emotion guiding social behavior, its emphasis on the self is often tied to its unique impact on self-worth and a sense of powerlessness over our ability to meet the standards we have put in place for ourselves (Miceli & Castelfranchi, 2018). In other words, guilt seems to cue us in when we’ve done something wrong. Shame tells us we, as a person, are wrong.
While for some people this may feel motivating, I imagine many of us can recall easily and on a deep level the profound feeling of stagnation that shame seems to beat into the self. After all, if my personhood is the very thing that’s wrong with me, how am I to make amends for my own existence?
Based on one’s approach, there are various answers to how we deal with the question of shame. Of course, there is counseling, which can be a significant tool when exploring such questions that challenge our identity and sense of self, but there are also practices we can tap into in our day-to-day lives to help us live in a way that promotes our overall well-being while combating the shadow that shame may leave over us.
Cultivate Mindfulness
Baer et al. (2006) highlight five aspects of mindfulness: observing what one is experiencing, describing internal experiences, awareness, non-judgment, and non-reaction (as cited in Sedighimornani et al., 2019). Each of these aspects offers an opportunity to practice present-moment awareness. For some people, this may involve labeling our thoughts (“I notice that I’m having the thought that…”) or calling thoughts exactly what they are: a natural part of our brain (“Thank you, brain, for that thought. I realize you are trying to help me, but I’m okay right now.”). For others, this may look like quiet visualization: imagining yourself placing the thought or sense of shame onto a cloud, a leaf, or a train, and watching it continue to move on. For some people, this may feel really abstract (and perhaps a little uncomfortable at first), and that is okay. Start where you are: notice the chair supporting your body, the feeling of your clothes touching your skin, the sound of traffic. Take a moment to notice the here-and-now.
Explore Self-Compassion
Self-compassion has been found to reduce the experience of shame across multiple studies (Sedighimornani et al., 2019). Just like mindfulness, there are many ways to approach self-compassion, and beginning this does not have to be perfect. Again, you are allowed to start where you are. Perhaps this looks like just acknowledging that you are having a hard time (“I realized that I’m having a hard time, and that this feeling is really challenging for me.”). Others may find comfort in writing to oneself, offering kindness as if to a friend. Perhaps such comfort comes from the ones we love and can be cultivated in a moment of imagining experiences that bring us a sense of connection or peace, reminding us of our right to belong somewhere. Whichever approach is most meaningful, the purpose remains the same: offering yourself a moment of kindness and realization that you are a dynamic person and that shame is only one part of the vast experiences that make you who you are.
Identify Your Values
Shame has the opportunity to attack by challenging our sense of self, and perhaps making us feel separated from those things we hold most dear. By better understanding ourselves and our values, we become more aware of the way in which we’d like to approach day-to-day life, promoting a sense of congruence and combating isolation from self.
Perhaps it is integrity, honesty, or empathy that drives you. For others, it may be independence, responsibility, or consistency. A quick Google search proves this list could go on for some time. So, what matters most to you when you show up each day, and how does this value impact your approach to family, friends, work, society, and yourself?
Sometimes our shame feels insurmountable, something we’re not sure how we’d ever face alone, and we don’t have to face it alone. Reaching out for help to a trusted loved one or mental health professional is a profound act of self-compassion and serves as a reminder of our right to be deeply complex beings, which, in many ways, is a right we keep by learning how to also give it away to others.
References
Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2018). Reconsidering the Differences Between Shame and Guilt. Europe’s journal of psychology, 14(3), 710–733. https://doi.org/10.5964/ejop.v14i3.1564
Parisette-Sparks, A., Bufferd, S. J., & Klein, D. N. (2017). Parental Predictors of Children’s Shame and Guilt at Age 6 in a Multimethod, Longitudinal Study. Journal of clinical child and adolescent psychology: the official journal for the Society of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, American Psychological Association, Division 53, 46(5), 721–731. https://doi.org/10.1080/15374416.2015.1063430
Sedighimornani, N., Rimes, K. A., & Verplanken, B. (2019). Exploring the Relationships Between Mindfulness, Self-Compassion, and Shame. Sage Open, 9(3). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244019866294
