Blog
Conflict Resolution
As long as we are being authentic in our close relationships with others, we will all experience conflict at one point or another. This is simply a reflection of how varied we all are in our beliefs, desires, lifestyles, and perspectives on life. With the right skills and tools however, conflict can be resolved and relationships can be relieved of anger and tension. Here are some steps to consider if you’re currently facing a conflict:
• Acknowledge
Though conflict is a part of life, many people would rather not experience it. They may deny that they are feeling distraught about a relationship issue or they simply decide to not say anything about it. Unfortunately, this isn’t ultimately healthy for the relationship and can lead to more resentment later. If you can’t let it go, it’s important that you are honest with yourself about it.
• Reflect
The second step is to do some introspecting. What are you feeling and why are you feeling it? Sometimes the reasons behind our anger, hurt, or sadness are mysteries to us. This is when it can help to seek the guidance of a counselor or journal about what you’re experiencing. Clarity will arise with time.
• Listen
To truly listen is a rare and invaluable skill. Often we appear to be listening but in reality we are building our case against someone mentally or are unreceptive to what they’re telling us. Simply making the other person feel truly heard creates a healing space for the conflict to dissolve and also encourages them to be more open to your thoughts on the matter.
• Be Clear
Expressing what your needs and wants are is crucial to resolving conflict. However, there is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Avoid pointing the finger at the other person and instead focus on your own experience. You can do this by using “I feel…” and “I think…” rather than “You always…” or “You never.” Research shows that being critical of the other person’s character or shutting down in an argument can be predictive of a relationship’s demise.
• Brainstorm
Sometimes a natural solution arises from the two parties simply hearing each other for the first time. Other times a decision must be made. You have several options – you can agree to disagree, find a compromise on both sides to “meet in the middle,” or allow the person who is most adamant about it to get their way this time.
• Be Safe
Sometimes some temporary distance is required in conflicts, and sometimes the relationship just needs to end all together. If a relationship brings much more conflict and stress into your life than joy and encouragement, you may decide to respectfully let it go. In other cases where there is emotional, spiritual, or physical abuse, it is even more important that you reflect on what is best for your life, not the relationship.
Source: http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/a/conflict_res.htm
Parenting
As caregivers in a new age of parenting, we are frequently willing to put aside our own lives, and spend our every moment attending to our children, often times behaving as though our sole purpose in life is to meet each of our children’s needs and expectations with a level of enthusiasm and joy that would make the cheeriest of adults skeptical. After all, isn’t the goal of parenting to produce perfectly functioning young people who are happy and satisfied with themselves and their surroundings at all times? Not so, according to licensed marriage and family therapist, father, and relationship coach Hal Runkel, who puts forth a very different picture in his book, Scream Free Parenting.
What then are we to do as parents in 2012? As this author suggests, we are to calm down and grow up, allowing ourselves to parent in a calm manner where we are in control. As parents, our own anxiety frequently comes to the surface, where we then take it and place it upon our children in how we behave as parents. Let’s look at an example. Your child is struggling with his or her homework, and becomes visibly frustrated and upset. As a parent who is anxious about protecting your child and making certain that all is well in their world, you begin to take command over the homework crisis and solve it, all the while your anxiety is ratcheting skyward as you concern yourself with your child’s lack of mastery over the homework. When will they master it? It could potentially be “never” if you choose to do it for them. Struggling with a problem and coming away with a sense of accomplishment is a wonderful teaching tool for our children, so allow them to do just that, struggle and make it their own! Take your anxiety out of the room, and give your child what they need… space to struggle and make mistakes! This is but one suggestion that the author makes in this refreshing and common-sense tool for parenting.
We are all works in progress, with many of us doing our absolute best to be the parents and caregivers who will eventually raise children to become fully-functioning adults. Yes, we will make mistakes. Yes, we will lose our cool. And yes, we are not perfect, but with some help along the way, we may be able to conquer our parental anxieties, calm down, grow up, becoming responsible to our children, not for them!
The Refuge Center will Soon Have a New Home!
The spring season holds so many metaphors around life, growth and new opportunity. As we enter deep spring in Middle Tennessee, we see those same themes being paralleled at The Refuge Center. This is an exciting time for our agency as we launch many new initiatives and find ourselves in a place of strategic growth and expanding horizons. In the first quarter of 2012 alone, we provided 2,233 counseling sessions to individuals in our community.
One of the most exciting things happening for Refuge, is an opportunity to move to a larger space and decrease our wait lists. After six wonderful years in our current office location, we have simply outgrown the three small office condos we are housed in. So, in August 2012, we will move into our new Refuge Center offices! The offices will be located at: 103 Forrest Crossing Blvd., Suite 102 Franklin, TN 37064. This 3,101 square foot space provides us with nine counseling offices, a large group room and a comprehensive play therapy space.
In our transition we will have multiple needs for in-kind donations, monetary donations and volunteer support. Please consider supporting The Refuge Center in one of these ways. Donations ensure that anyone who needs counseling services can receive it regardless of insurance status or ability pay. You can make a donation online or by mailing in a check. Thank you for being so faithful in your passion for this work! We look forward to inviting you to the grand opening and ribbon cutting ceremony in several months!
New Board Members
We’ve welcomed five outstanding new Board Members in 2012:
Gary Bailey- software developer and co-owner of Next Version Systems
Natalie Embry -Behavioral Health Specialist for the Tristar Division of HCA
Dawn Garcia-immigration and bankruptcy attorney
Brad Kirkpatrick- Employer Market Leadership Team, Healthways, Inc
Cain Myers-Strategic Financial Advisor with Peachtree Planning of Tennessee
Journaling Questions for Adolescent Girls
Journaling Questions for Adolescent Girls
Go to a quiet place and answer these questions about yourself
• How do I feel right now?
• What do I think?
• What are my values?
• How would I describe myself to myself?
• How do I see myself in the future?
• What kind of work do I like?
• What kind of leisure do I like?
• When do I feel most myself?
• How have I changed since I entered puberty?
• What kinds of people do I respect?
• How am I similar to and different from my mother?
• How am I similar to and different from my father?
• What goals do I have for myself as a person?
• What are my strengths and weaknesses?
• What would I be proud of on my death bed?
Taken from Mary Pipher’s Saving Ophelia: Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of our Adolescents Girls
Transforming Negative Self Talk With Positive Affirmation
Self talk is the internal dialogue within the subconscious mind of an individual. Self talk is the manifestation of our thoughts and beliefs. This habit starts right from the childhood and impacts our various life experiences. Research reveals that 70% of our self talk is negative or self-critical. Negative self talk breeds negative responses and behavior. However, negative self talk habits can be altered for positive changes in life. Positive affirmations are the extraordinary tools to counteract negative beliefs, thoughts and self talk.
A conscious effort must be made to relinquish negative self talk habits and positive statements provide the revitalizing energy. Positive affirmations are the personal short statements that help to derive desired outcomes. They are quintessentially the positive self talks. Our subconscious mind does not recognize the difference between positive and negative thoughts. Thus it can be re-programmed to eliminate negative or self limiting thoughts through feeds of positive statements. Below is a list of positive affirmations that will help you get started. We also encourage you to create your own to be specific to your needs.
Self-Belief
• I love myself for who I am
• Fear is only a feeling; it cannot hold me back
• I know that I can master anything
• Today I am willing to fail in order to succeed
• I have the strength to make my dreams come true
• I trust in myself
• I am proud of myself for even daring to try
• Today I put my full trust in my inner guidance
• I grow in strength with every forward step I take
• I release my hesitation and make room for victory
• I can do anything I set my mind to do
• I like myself better each day
• I am capable and strong
• I am a winner
• I am a deserving human being
• I am able to easily handle any problem I face
Healthy Body
• I enjoy exercising more each day
• I choose to eat healthy food
• Each day I move closer to my ideal weight
• I deserve a trim, beautiful, fit & healthy body
• Today I love my body fully, deeply and joyfully
• My body has its own wisdom and I trust that wisdom completely
• My body is simply a projection of my beliefs about myself
• I am growing more beautiful and luminous every day
• I choose to see the divine perfection in every cell of my body
• As I love myself, I allow others to love me too
• Flaws are transformed by love and acceptance
• Today I choose to honor my beauty, my strength and my uniqueness
• I love the way I feel when I take good care of myself
• Today my own well-being is my top priority
Assertive
• I state my feelings with confidence
• I am always treated with consideration and respect
• I believe in and trust myself
• I choose to respond to criticism in a constructive way
• I see criticism as information that empowers me
• I always feel safe and secure on the inside
• I graciously accept compliments from others
• I express my feelings and opinions honestly and openly
• I have a powerful positive mental attitude
• I allow others to make their own choices
• Others may influence my decisions, but the final choice is mine
• I feel powerful and confident
• I know that my potential is unlimited
• My assertiveness enriches my relationships
• I feel comfortable with the decisions I make
• My feelings of self esteem are strong
• My feelings of self worth are strong
• I have high self confidence
• I realize I have the right to change my mind
Success
• I easily achieve my goals
• I have absolute faith in my success
• Success in mine to be enjoyed
• I am successful in all that I do
• I have everything I need to succeed
• I am living my dream
• I am experiencing fantastic success
• Today I open my mind to the endless opportunities surrounding me.
• I boldly act on great opportunities when I see them.
• My intuition leads me to the most lucrative opportunities.
• An opportunity is simply a possibility until I act on it.
• Today I see each moment as a new opportunity to express my greatness.
• I expand my awareness of the hidden potential in each experience.
• Each decision I make creates new opportunities.
Self-Love
• I am filled with light, love and peace
• I treat myself with kindness and respect
• I give myself permission to shine
• I honor the best parts of myself and share them with others
• I am proud of all I have accomplished
• Today I give myself permission to be greater than my fears
• I am my own best friend and cheerleader
• I have many qualities, traits and talents that make me unique
• I am a valuable human being
• I love myself just the way I am
• I love and forgive myself for any past mistakes
• I look in the mirror and I love what I see
• I recognize my many strengths
A Refuge Client Story: Healing from Abuse
“The Refuge Center was truly the provision to come alongside communicating support, strength and guidance to help us find answers and encouragement amongst the chaos, agony and painful affects of abuse.
Our family privately suffered physical, emotional and sexual abuse by the very one who was to guide, love and protect but by comparison led by manipulation, intimidation, fear and control.
I know we are stronger, thriving and survivors of abuse because of the care, concern and compassion afforded to us through the safe haven doors of The Refuge Center.
The Refuge Center counselor’s affirmation and constancy not only returned our self-esteem and confidence but I know saved my life. As one who was abused for years and just wanted the abuse to end the simple words I heard, “it’s going to be okay”, “you are not wrong but wrongly mistreated” and “you never deserved any of this” meant more than they will ever know!!!
My children felt very safe, comfortable and happy when we would go to The Refuge Center. What a relief it was to be able to have a place of security and comfort when life just seemed so upside down.
My nine year-old said her counselor taught her…
…“it’s okay to stand up against my dad when he did stuff to me he shouldn’t”
…“she helped me to be safe around my dad”
…“she helped me with what was going on in life”
…“she helped me to speak up to my dad when he touches me in way he shouldn’t and that it wasn’t my fault”
…”she helped me understand my feelings”
It is my hope and prayer the counselor’s at The Refuge Center and those who provide financial support realize the impact and light they provide to the brokenhearted. We arrived at doors of The Refuge Center feeling mistreated, helpless, desperate and alone; and now live with hope, every day learning to be stronger because how we feel, what we think and state does matter.”
Mindfulness and Yoga
Rushing. Constant noise in my ear. My breath can’t keep up with the next breath. Thoughts run together until I can’t remember why I walked downstairs in the first place. TV. Radio. Noise Machines. Iphones. Internet. All keeping me at the pace of a racehorse trying to win the Kentucky Derby. But this body is tired of racing all the time. When my body finally caught up with the endless amount of chasing kids, running errands, and taking photographs, I was beat – not just physically but also spiritually. Yet I live in the 21st century where racing is essential to survival.
Thankfully, there is an hour that exists outside of this insanity. My 8:30am Yoga class is a place where I find refuge and rest. For one hour the racing stops. I can actually hear the voice of God.
He tells me that I’m strong because He is my strength. He tells me that I can have peace because He has overcome the world. He tells me that my body is beautiful because His hands formed me in my mother’s womb. He tells me it’s good to be still because that’s when I truly know He is God. And He tells me that my breath is sacred because it comes from Him alone. When I am quiet I am reminded that God made us for stillness, meditation and to be in tune with our bodies.
In Romans, we are told that God commands us to “offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, for this is your spiritual act of worship.” Is beating our bodies ragged in this fast-paced society a living sacrifice? I think of a sacrifice as someone that is fully aware of how alive they are in their body: counting every breath, feeling every rise and fall of the chest, knowing that the body is the armor of life. Dead sacrifices are no longer aware of what they feel or think. And Most of the time I feel like a dead sacrifice running around trying to catch my next breath. Yet I long to be a living sacrifice – fully aware that both my breath and my soul are sacred. Understanding that life – my very soul – is a gift.
Body and soul are inextricably linked, and breath can become prayer – the physical and spiritual working together in perfect harmony. Breathing comes second nature to the exercise in the practice of yoga. The Hebrew name for God, “Yahweh,” literally sounds like an inhale/exhale when spoken in Hebrew. God’s name is breath. And He breathed our very existence into place. We inhale our very first breath into this world and exhale our very last as we enter eternity. Breath is essential to our life with God, and yet it is something we take into consideration very little. It is our very breath that God intended to remind us of Him every time we say His name. And as I breathe in and out on my mat, His very name is spoken all around, whether the lips know it or not.
God is waiting for me. Waiting to make my breath part of His. Waiting to give me quiet in the midst of chaos. Waiting to embrace me for who I am today, not for who I will be tomorrow. Waiting to sing over me with His presence. The more I come to know Him, the more I realize that’s how He works – meeting unlikely people in unlikely places. Please find a place to be with God in the quiet, in the stillness. Find a place to listen to God’s name come out in your breath. Find a place to hear Him find delight in you
Grief
The month of February is often a welcomed friend. We have “made it” through the post holiday doldrums that January can bring and have the celebration of Valentine’s Day to brighten what is often wintry, sometimes gloomy weather. But some of us bring hearts that are breaking to this season. We might have lost a loved one to death and are in the midst of terrible anguish. A relationship that used to be a source of comfort and love has now ended in a break up or divorce. Grief is an important but messy part of our healing in the face of such losses.
While traditional views of grief described the process as being one of moving through stages, the current research supports the understanding that the process of grief is more akin to a wave theory. One day our lives might be overwhelmed by a tidal wave of sadness and desolation and we feel tossed by anger, fear, loneliness and a myriad of other emotions. Perhaps the next day the wave recedes and we experience some joy and hope. These moments of restoration allow us the chance to rest and catch our breath as we continue to move through and with this grief process. While each person will experience grief differently, there can be patterns that help us navigate the waves. By continuing to move and leaning into/developing the coping mechanism of resilience, the gift of healing around our loss can be waiting for us. If you are experiencing grief and would like support, please contact The Refuge Center at 615-771-1155.
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