Watching our children walk out our door and begin their adult lives away from our home can be an overwhelming event that floods our hearts with emotions of all kinds—joy, fear, sadness, loneliness and even excitement. It is both bitter and sweet.
A parent spends almost two decades guiding, counseling, loving, chauffeuring, coaching, cheering, correcting and supporting.
Then the day comes when all our endless parental tasks begin slowing down to a trickle and eventually stop. Gone is the persistent pull to be present, on-duty, engaged and sometimes even annoyed, aggravated and exhausted.
We find ourselves in a new club of empty nesters. Our home feels like it lost some of its wonder-filled sounds and energy.
Indoor nerf wars
Laughter echoing down the hallway
Dirty shoes cluttering the entryway
Spontaneous hugs
Smudgy fingerprints on freshly cleaned windows
I love being a mom and cherish the years I had with my three children while they all lived under my roof. In those early years, I remember being so tired and sleep deprived and some days seemed to drag on under a pile of laundry and toddler toys. One wise lady at church commented one day, “It goes by so fast. Be sure to hold on and relish your time with them.” That comment made an impression on me, and I took it to heart. She was right. I blinked and my babies all grew up. These years truly have flown by!
There is a palpable tension between the gratitude for those precious years and the sadness of the space left by their absence. How does a parent facing an empty nest manage this tension?
We need courage to face this new reality and to forge a new path forward.
What does this courage look like?
For me, courage takes on two components. The first is having the courage to honor my feelings of sadness by sharing them with trusted friends and allowing the tears to come. “Feel the feels”, as my friend Vicki often reminds me.
The second is by using a therapy technique called reframing. Reframing is looking at a situation from a slightly different perspective. Launching our children into adulthood and out of our homes can feel like a great personal loss. Reframing this loss can help!
Here are a few helpful reframes:
1. Remind yourself that “YOU DID IT!” Your kids left the nest—just as they were always meant to. Goal achieved!” Think of all the things you have accomplished as a parent for the last 18 or so years (maybe even write them all down). Now for that big pat on the back!
2. The empty nest can also provide us the opportunity to embrace a new chapter in our lives full of new adventures, reconnection with old friends, pursuing new interests, and taking up new hobbies. How do you want to show up for yourself in this new season of life? Take time and journal this as well.
3. Just because they are not under your roof does not mean they don’t need you. They do— it just looks and feels different. There is new possibility for deeper relationship and connection with our grown up kids. My adult daughters call me regularly to chat about life. Sometimes it’s “how much oregano should I put in this sauce?” Or their latest work gossip. Or their genuine interest in what and how I am doing. It’s a delight to see how our parent-child relationship has morphed into a delightful peer to peer friendship.
4. Another sweet reframe I saw this week on Instagram read,
“I’m not an empty nester, I’m a bird launcher…fly my babies, the world awaits”.
I felt that one!
These reframes can be the new thoughts that serve us as we walk this new path. And remember, you are not alone! There are many of us empty nesters in the community, ready to offer encouragement and support. So reach out, share your journey and feelings. It really does help.
