People Pleasing Pitfalls
Making others happy can be such a joyful part of life. But when it becomes chronic and at the expense of your own needs, it can morph into people-pleasing and become harmful.
“Fawning” is a term used to describe people pleasing behaviors that are a result of complex trauma or negative childhood experiences. (the other trauma responses being fight, flight and freeze) Fawning can show up in a range of ways such as having trouble saying “no,” changing your personality to make people like you, ignoring your needs to accommodate others, over-apologizing, having trouble setting boundaries, and hypervigilence to name a few.
The negative impact of people pleasing :
Chronic stress, anxiety, bitterness, (Cause you can’t please everybody)
Low self-worth. Losing identity and not knowing what is important to you
Conflict avoidance which makes the issues worse
Mental exhaustion from keeping up with others and lack of boundaries
Your needs not being met because other’s take priority
Disconnection from your own emotions
Resentment and repressed anger for being taken advantage of
If you struggle with people pleasing, there are steps you can take as you journey down the road to regain health and balance.
Taking time for self awareness (journaling or talking with a counselor) gives you a chance to dig deep and start to understand the reasons you revert to people pleasing and the emotions at the core of it (fear, rejection, anxiety, need for approval). You can also focus on building your self-esteem by leaning into your strengths, recognizing positive traits, positive self-talk, and validating your thoughts and experiences. Your voice matters.
Other helpful steps to take are to be intentional about setting boundaries, learning to say “NO” when you don’t want to do something, discovering what YOU enjoy, and doing things that specifically make you happy. Celebrate those parts of yourself. Self compassion through the process is also vital, emphasizing your needs are important and are a priority. You can also be deliberate to surround yourself with people who value you, and encourage changes to support your well-being. This can also mean letting go of those who don’t. As your behaviors change, dynamics in relationships can change as well, and will give you an opportunity to put many of these steps into practice.
Be gentle with yourself in the process. Taking these steps might feel counter-intuitive at first and it’s ok to feel that resistance, or to start out a little clumsily. Doing something new or different will never start out perfectly. But don’t let a setback discourage you. Taking one step at a time and giving yourself grace are key ingredients for a successful journey. Journaling and mindfulness practices are helpful ways to gain insight and strengthen your voice as you take these steps toward growth. Counseling can also be incredibly beneficial in helping you discover yourself and your core beliefs while offering support along the journey, helping you understand and avoid the pitfalls.
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