Boundaries are a part of life. Many of us utilize them without giving them much thought. We set boundaries daily in the simple ways that we set limitations for ourselves. Things like what time we decide to go to bed, how we spend our time, and what projects we decide to take on.
Setting boundaries is a healthy thing to do, but not always an easy thing to do – especially when it comes to our relationships.
How do you know you need help with boundaries?
“If you find that you’re overextending yourself in your relationships, overcommitting your time to others, and having little time for yourself, it may signal a lack of boundaries,” said Mona Khaled, Ph.D., a therapist at COPE Psychological Center in the Los Angeles area.
“Unhealthy boundaries can also look like having a hard time saying no to others, putting others’ needs and wants before your own, taking on others’ problems or responsibilities as your own, or feeling exhausted or burnt out by overwhelming commitments,” continues Khaled.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We are motivated to be there for the people we love. We want to show them we care, because we do! The things we do for others is an expression of our love for them. These are wonderful character traits that contribute to who we are and speak to our values. Plus, there are seasons in life when more of our time and efforts may be needed. However, serving from an empty cup is not the best way to be there for someone, in all types of relationships. Drawing boundaries is ultimately a loving act – toward others and ourselves.
Boundaries in romantic relationships
In couples, establishing boundaries is foundational to maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship. “Boundaries are limits and needs you express to yourself and others in order to feel safe, healthy, and comfortable,” said Kari Rusnak, MA, LPC, CMHC, a licensed couples counselor with telehealth practices in Mississippi, Colorado, and Utah.
“These are especially important in relationships, and the big key to that is communication. If you don’t have established communication in any relationship, then setting a boundary can be hard. If you create a dialogue of open communication, setting boundaries will feel easier and go much more smoothly,” said Rusnak. It helps to be as clear, consistent, and honest as you can.
In areas of conflict
In some areas of relationship conflict, an individual’s set of boundaries becomes essential to who they are. “You can’t see them, but these lines help you stay “you” and provide a sense of mutual respect, protection, expectations, and support,” said Chantelle Pattemore, a health and lifestyle freelance writer for PsychCentral.
Partners have to come to an understanding of where they land on their feelings and expectations around things like the amount of time spent together as a couple, how often to communicate when apart from each other, and what each person considers to be crossing the line into cheating in a committed relationship, according to Pattemore.
“To paint a clearer picture, consider a couple where one partner always sacrifices their needs and wants. Over time, this imbalance may lead to increased stress and even resentment, negatively impacting the mental health of both individuals,” according to Mindful Health Solutions.
There are some areas that can be tricky to navigate, especially if others in your life are resistant to your needs at first. “Prepare yourself for the follow-through if the needs aren’t met. Is there any flexibility? How will you react if an agreed-upon boundary is broken?” Another thing to be aware of is that sometimes “setting boundaries can lead to negotiation. Remember to stick to your core needs, but be open to meeting the other person’s boundaries,” said Rusnak.
Start slowly, and practice
The staring point to setting boundaries is to establish what your limits are. Khaled said some helpful questions to ask yourself can be: “Where am I overextending myself in my life? What areas of my life do I feel drained by? What commitments do I feel obligated to, yet exhaust me? What is causing me unnecessary stress, discomfort, or dread?”
Often times, people may put you on the spot, leaving you feeling unprepared. “Sometimes a request can catch us off-guard, and if you’re used to saying yes to people in your life, you may not have enough time to figure out how to say no in the moment,” said Khaled. A simple response could be, “let me get back to you.” Or you could say you have to “check your schedule, your to-do list, or check in with your significant other. This will give you some time to decide how you’d like to respond if you’re feeling pressured in the moment. Then, you can respond through email or text with a polite no.”
Yes, boundaries can be challenging initially, especially if you have become known as a giver and people around you recognize you for that. Naturally, you may receive some pushback in the beginning, and it may feel easier to give in than to stay firm. That is why it takes practice, discipline, practice, follow through, and… more practice.
The reality is, if you do not have much experience setting boundaries, it may feel uncomfortable at first, but then it gets better. And the benefits are worth it. “A helpful way to think about setting boundaries is that when you set a healthy boundary, you may feel guilty for a short time, but the alternative is feeling resentful for a long time,” said Khaled.
“But it’s hard!” Getting support
Sometimes it can be hard to see things on your own. A therapist can help you process your needs and limits and discover what is important to you. In the end, setting boundaries comes down to communicating “what you are willing to say yes to and what you are likely to say no to. Boundaries give you power over your decisions, time, and emotions, rather than those being dictated by others,” said Khaled.
If you think you need support in this area of setting healthy boundaries, or in other areas of your life, The Refuge Center for Counseling is here to help. Call (615) 591-5262 to discuss setting up an intake session where you subsequently be paired with a therapist who will join you on your path towards growth and change.
References:
Mona Khaled, Ph.D.
5 Steps to Creating and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries: Clear, reinforced boundaries will help you maintain relationships
Published in Psychology Today, October 27, 2022
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-addiction-connection/202210/5-steps-creating-and-maintaining-healthy-boundaries
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Mindful Health Solutions – Innovative Behavioral Health Services
5 Boundaries To Set in Your Relationship that Benefit Everyone’s Mental Health, Nov 17, 2023
5 Boundaries To Set in Your Relationship that Benefit Everyone’s Mental Health
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Chantelle Pattemore
How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship
Published in PsychCentral, Updated on August 4, 2023
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries
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Kari Rusnak, MA, LPC,CMHC
Setting Boundaries Efficiently: How to identify and set boundaries in your relationships.
Published in Psychology Today, Posted June 11, 2021
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-healthy-relationships/202106/setting-boundaries-efficiently
