Around 13 years ago, I was curled up on my living room couch, ready to open a new book. My three kids were all occupied with friends and I had the rare luxury of a quiet house. The new book was “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown (2010), one of my favorite author/speakers. “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness” was her opening line (Brown, 2010). What a great first line, I thought, and a challenging first chapter with themes of embracing imperfections in ourselves with courage, compassion, and connection. I was off to a great start and loved it! But within the course of an hour, as I reached the end of chapter 5 entitled, “The Things That Get In the Way”, I had a visceral reaction. A few tears rolled down my face as I sat in silence, stunned. I couldn’t quite process what I had just read. Then in a fit of uncharacteristic rage, I hurled the book across the room. It hit the wall and landed on the hard wood floor. My heart was pounding and more tears came. At that moment my (now ex) husband walked into the room and ask what happened. I pointed across the room, “That book! Oh my gosh. I don’t even know what to say!” That 5th chapter had opened up a pandora’s box within my heart. It was full of truth about shame and perfectionism that I was unprepared to read and it scared me.
Has that ever happened to you? You receive a bit of truth you think may be truth, but you are just not ready for it, so you avoid it, change the subject, freeze up, get angry, or deny it? It makes me ponder what our clients may sometimes feel in session when something really strikes a chord, but because they are just not ready for that particular reality, resistance enters the room.
This reminds me of a story my counselor friend told me recently about a piece of truth she decided to interject into a session with her female client. It had to do with calling out an abusive behavior in this client’s partner. After my therapist friend made her “truth” statement, the client responded with “THAT is just NOT helpful!!” My friend took a risk and her client was just not ready for it. So she repaired the relationship quickly and learned a good lesson: timing is everything.
Recognizing readiness for truth or change in a person or in ourselves is tricky. I took an entire class to learn change theory and Motivational Interviewing, and still find it challenging. But the broad take-aways are helpful. Here is a reminder of the spirit of Motivational Interviewing:
- Collaborative: The client and the counselor are both experts.
- Evocative: The counselor’s job is to draw out the insights, motivations, and resources related to change that are already present in the client.
- Autonomy: The counselor respects and accepts the power and right of the client to make their own decisions.
- Compassion: The counselor is committed to serving the best interest of the client (Miller, 2021)
Resistance is a normal reaction and it happens in all of us. The key is to remain curious and patient without judgement. It took me three years before I had the courage to open up The Gifts of Imperfection (Brown, 2010) again. My readiness for her insights on Shame and Perfectionism eventually came and I was able to read all the way through with openness. I’m so glad I did. This book made a huge impact on my life and was part of my healing journey… because I was ready for it.
