The Refuge Center Blog
Grief
The month of February is often a welcomed friend. We have “made it” through the post holiday doldrums that January can bring and have the celebration of Valentine’s Day to brighten what is often wintry, sometimes gloomy weather. But some of us bring hearts that are breaking to this season. We might have lost a loved one to death and are in the midst of terrible anguish. A relationship that used to be a source of comfort and love has now ended in a break up or divorce. Grief is an important but messy part of our healing in the face of such losses.
While traditional views of grief described the process as being one of moving through stages, the current research supports the understanding that the process of grief is more akin to a wave theory. One day our lives might be overwhelmed by a tidal wave of sadness and desolation and we feel tossed by anger, fear, loneliness and a myriad of other emotions. Perhaps the next day the wave recedes and we experience some joy and hope. These moments of restoration allow us the chance to rest and catch our breath as we continue to move through and with this grief process. While each person will experience grief differently, there can be patterns that help us navigate the waves. By continuing to move and leaning into/developing the coping mechanism of resilience, the gift of healing around our loss can be waiting for us. If you are experiencing grief and would like support, please contact The Refuge Center at 615-771-1155.
Regret
Thought on the topic of “regret” from a Refuge Counselor:
“So I have been thinking a lot the past few weeks about regret. Typically, I hear the word “regret” used in the context of someone saying, “I don’t want any regrets”. It has me question, can we really not regret and are we made to not regret? I am wondering that to not regret is to not be honest. When I slow down and review my life, I cannot help but regret some things. I regret not being more patient with my children. I regret that mean thing I said to my wife. I regret not being a better brother to the one that passed away. I grieve these things. I think about them in random moments; moments in the car; moments running. I wonder if regret can also be a gift and even a friend. Regret can be a lot like pain. Don Miller wrote in one of his blog posts titled What to Do with Pain that “In stories and in life, pain is our friend. It’s an unwelcome friend, but a friend nonetheless. The good news is that if we make friends with our pain, it won’t stay long and it will leave us with a gift. But if we avoid pain, it will chase us down until we finally accept the gift it has to offer.” I wonder if we can ask regret to be a friend instead of acting like he is not even there?”
A Refuge Client Story: Redemption
When I walked into The Refuge Center, I was a shell of a woman. Having just walked away from an 8-month long relationship full of emotional abuse, sexual mistreatment, and fear, I had completely lost myself. In the life of a girl who was usually strong, independent and confident, this was rock bottom. I felt as though I could barely breathe under the weight of the pain and grief, and I couldn’t yet make sense of what I had been through and what was daily compelling me to walk away from it. I truly needed a refuge; I needed someone to explain what was happening and give me hope that I could get through what was ahead.
From my first meeting with my counselor, I knew God had put me in the perfect place to find His healing and redemption. I felt the freedom to express every emotion and fear, even if they didn’t seem to make sense to me. It was a place to be completely honest. I had never experienced any sort of abuse or disorder in my life before that time, and through counseling I began to understand what had happened to me and how I got to the place I was when I first walked in to The Refuge Center. My counselor walked through the trenches with me; in every stage of grief, through every changing emotion, she shed light on the truth and helped me to find the strength that was still mine, through Christ. I slowly rediscovered my identity that had for so long been stifled; I learned healthy ways to express emotions (such as anger) that I had never experienced in such deep ways before. It was certainly a slow and heart-wrenching process, but through God’s grace in my counselors at The Refuge Center, I walked through and came out on the other side.
There were many points in the midst of that journey that I was sure I would never be the same again. I didn’t know if I would ever completely heal and be free to be myself. However, I can say today, without any reservation, that I am healed. Not only healed, but a much stronger and whole woman than I ever was before. God’s grace is huge; far beyond what we can comprehend — and I have experienced first-hand how He can redeem any struggle, any pain, any injury. He takes our ashes and breathes life into them to create something more beautiful than before. I never knew that my life could be as good as it is today. Struggles and trials are sure to come, but because of my experience and the truth spoken over me at The Refuge Center, I am filled with hope that I can face what comes, with the strength that only Christ provides.
I am eternally grateful to my counselors at The Refuge Center and their dedication to help bring healing and freedom into lives marked deeply by suffering. It truly is a place of refuge, hope and grace — and I would not be the same today without them!
Merry Christmas from The Refuge Center
Dear Friends, Family & Refuge Supporters:
Merry Christmas! As we reflect on 2011, our hearts are filled with gratitude and hope. This year has been marked by growth, opportunity and vision. This year we added new office space to accommodate an increased need for client services, added exemplary staff to our team, expanded programs, grew our social media presence and developed an aggressive and thorough strategic plan! We’ve seen clients find healing, restoration and hope! In 2011 we will have provided over 7,000 counseling sessions to 1,000 individuals. We are so thankful for the ways you have joined with us to make this happen. You are a blessing to us and we want to wish you a rich and meaningful holiday season!
To learn more about The Refuge Center, or to make a year-end, tax-deductible gift, please visit our website at www.therefugecenter.org
Sincerely,
Amy Alexander and Jennifer Gillett,
Refuge Co-founders
Stress Management
The holidays can be a stressful time, both emotionally and physically. Arming yourself with practical tools, that can be used year-round can really make a difference! We would like to share this article on Stress Management written by Michael Senko, LCSW-C.
Divorced/Separated Families and the Holidays
Divorced/Separated Families and the Holidays
For many, Christmas is “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, but this isn’t always the case for families and children of separation and divorce. This can often be a stressful and challenging time, bringing up emotions that are difficult and confusing to deal with.
As a parent or a primary support in a child’s life, there are many things that you can do to help the holidays be a little more “Merry and Bright” for them and your family. Below are tips you might find useful:
• Put your children first.
• Don’t change what doesn’t need changing. Kids like traditions and routine. Ask your kids what they want to keep.
• Create new rituals and routines, but don’t try to cram too much into one day.
• Plan ahead and be very specific with your kids about holiday plans and schedules. Be willing to change those plans if needed.
• Help kids buy/make gifts for you ex and his/her family.
• Don’t try to make up for your own feelings of guilt or sadness with expensive gifts. Consider coordinating for your kids gifts with your ex. Keep all extended family involved.
• Keep yourself healthy. Try to be upbeat and optimistic about Christmas. Your kids will likely reflect your attitude.
• Think about what your kids are going through and try to imagine how they will remember this Christmas years from now.
• Make every effort to get along with your ex.
• Give your child the gift of permission to love both parents.
Tips For those Working with Children or in a Supporting Role
• Let kids know you are there to listen and help.
• Show kids that you understand their feelings.
• Offer encouraging words.
• Be a source of stability.
• Encourage kids to be kids. Give them some “down time” from the stress of the holiday and the divorce.
How To Play With Your Child
Playing with your child is ways that are meaningful to him/her sounds simple enough. But with so many distractions and duties it can be difficult to prioritize this. For some helpful suggestions, we would like to share this pdf of How To Play With Your Child by Tammi Van Hollander, LCSW,LMT.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles
“Mend my life!”
Each voice cried
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundation-
though the melancholy
Was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.
-Mary Oliver, “The Journey” (1992)
Emotional Abuse: The Unseen Pain
Emotional Abuse…The Unseen Pain
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse can also threaten physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
If you are experiencing abuse of any kind in your relationships, call The Refuge Center to speak with someone today at 615.771.1155.
